You have mail
by Maladictas
Summary: Here's a thought: What if the Death Eaters went interactive? Please R
1. Crisis One: Pet Food

Summary: Here's a quick thought: What if the Death Eaters went interactive?

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter – even though I wish I did, with the royalties I got from it, I could quit my paper round :-P

Well, here it is, my first ever fanfic. The e-mail idea was inspired by a book called 'The Guy Next Door' by Meg Cabot, the layout style worked rather well there, so I'm going to give it a go. Please R&R, and all that.

I'm going to start with a tester, just to see how things go. Just a short one this time, but the next ones will be longer, promise.

* * *

**Crisis One**

**Pet Food**

* * *

2/06/06 2:06am

To: Bellatrix Lestrange – bella.deatheater.wiz

From: Peter Pettigrew – littlerattyguy.deatheater.wiz

Re: It did it again

_Nagini tried to eat me again today. I don't know what's wrong with that damn reptile, surely Master has taught it the difference between a real rat and me. Hasn't he?_

* * *

2/06/06 2:11am

To: Peter Pettigrew -littlerattyguy.deatheater.wiz

From: Bellatrix Lestrange- bella.deatheater.wiz

Re: It did it again

_You'd better not let him hear you saying that. I'm sure Master would really like to hear you call his pet 'that damn reptile'_

_Bella ;)_

* * *

2/06/06 2:13am

To: Bellatrix Lestrange – bella.deatheater.wiz

From: Peter Pettigrew – littlerattyguy.deatheater.wiz

Re: It did it again

_That's it? That's all you're going to say?_

* * *

2/06/06 2:15am

To: Peter Pettigrew – littlerattyguy.deatheater.wiz

From: Bellatrix Lestrange – bella.deatheater.wiz

Re: It did it again

_It's a snake Wormtail. You're a grown-up now, I think you can cope with one hungry reptile._

_Bella ;)_

* * *

2/06/06 2:17am

To: Bellatrix Lestrange – bella.deatheater.wiz

From: Peter Pettigrew – littlerattyguy.deatheater.wiz

Re: It did it again

_Bel, that thing tried to EAT me! As in KILL! And have you noticed that the thing's about seven feet long? I honestly wouldn't have stood a chance if it had got hold of me. If I hadn't dodged it with my amazing rat agilities, I would be stuck in that things colon right now._

* * *

2/06/06 2:18am

To: Peter Pettigrew – littlerattyguy.deatheater.wiz

From: Bellatrix Lestrange – bella.deatheater.wiz

Re: It did it again

_One: Don't call me Bel. And Two: Of course it's big, it's a wild animal, they have to be big. And stop bragging, you didn't dodge it, it hit its head on the damn skirting board. I have this on very good authority._

_Bella _

* * *

2/06/06 2:19am

To: Peter Pettigrew – littlerattyguy.deatheater.wiz

From: Rodolfus Lestrange – r.lestrange.deatheater.wiz

Re: What's the problem?

_Bellatrix forwarded me your e-mail. What's the problem with it being so big? I had a python once._

* * *

2/06/06 2:20am

To: Rodolfus Lestrange – r.lestrange.deatheater.wiz

From: Peter Pettigrew – littlerattyguy.deatheater.wiz

Re: What's the problem?

_That thing is not a python._

* * *

2/06/06 2:22am

To: Peter Pettigrew – littlerattyguy.deatheater.wiz

From: Bellatrix Lestrange – bella.deatheater.wiz

Re: Oh, for gods sake

_Wormtail, it is two o' clock in the morning, I don't think we really want to hear about Nagini's forty-fifth attempt to make you into an appetiser. Of course it tried to eat you, if you're going to run around as a damn rodent, what would you expect? And no, Master hasn't trained it, what did you think he was gonna do? Put it on a lead? Besides, he thinks its funny – or did you wonder why he's trying not to burst out laughing every time you whinge about it?_

_Bella_

* * *

2/06/06 2:30am

To:Bellatrix Lestrange – bella.deatheater.wiz

From: Peter Pettigrew – littlerattyguy.deatheater.wiz

Re: Oh, for gods sake

_…_

_It was the forty-forth actually._

* * *


	2. Crisis Two: Freedom of Speech?

I've decided that I'm going to reply to any reviews I get, 'cause I'm funny that way. So, to all readers and reviewers, thanks again. you really make a first-time fanfic writer feel welcome!

So, here's edition number two! As you can see, it's a little longer. Please R&R, blah, blah, blah. You know the score. and if I make any mistakes, please point them out. I think I've done something wrong somewhere, I just can't figure out what.

Disclaimer: Harry Potter and its Death Eaters are not mine, but I made up Imshi Mulroney myself. Hands off!

* * *

**Crisis Two**

**Freedom Of Speech?**

* * *

3/06/06 11.45am

To: Severus Snape – s.snape.deatheater.wiz

From: Antonin Dolohov – dolohov.deatheater.wiz

Re: What happened?

_Is it just me, or is ratty boy a bit quiet today? I met him in the corridor and didn't get a word out of him._

_P.S. How'd the mission go?_

* * *

3/06/06 11.47am

To: Antonin Dolohov – dolohov.deatheater.wiz

From: Severus Snape – s.snape.deatheater.wiz

Re: What happened?

_You mean you don't know?_

_P.S. Total crap, don't ask._

* * *

3/06/06 11.48am

To: Severus Snape – s.snape.deatheater.wiz

From: Antonin Dolohov – dolohov.deatheater.wiz

Re: What happened?

_Not really…_

* * *

3/06/06 11.50am

To: Antonin Dolohov – dolohov.deatheater.wiz

From: Severus Snape – s.snape.deatheater.wiz

Re: What happened?

_He's been quiet all day because Master put a silencing charm on him. Stupid prat, I told him to stop whinging, but did he listen?_

* * *

3/06/06 11.52am

To: Severus Snape – s.snape.deatheater.wiz

From: Antonin Dolohov – dolohov.deatheater.wiz

Re: What happened?

_Apparently not. How's the tosser taking it?_

* * *

3/06/06 11.53am

To: Antonin Dolohov – dolohov.deatheater.wiz

From: Severus Snape – s.snape.deatheater.wiz

Re: What happened?

_In a word? Badly. He's been walking around sulking all day, so master hit him with a Confurnicus curse, he's now confined to his room with tentacles and a frozen voice-box. There is a god._

* * *

3/06/06 11.54am

To: Severus Snape – s.snape.deatheater.wiz

From: Antonin Dolohov – dolohov.deatheater.wiz

Re: What happened?

_Couldn't have put it better myself. Call me crazy, but I really like the sound of this new model, much better looking, by the sounds of it, and we can't hear him complain._

* * *

3/06/06 11.56am

To: Antonin Dolohov – dolohov.deatheater.wiz

Severus Snape – s.snape.deatheater.wiz

From: Peter Pettigrew – littlerattyguy.deatheater.wiz

Re: Hello

_Hi guys! _

* * *

3/06/06 11.53am

To: Antonin Dolohov – dolohov.deatheater.wiz

From: Severus Snape – s.snape.deatheater.wiz

Re: Fan-bloody-tastic

_Doesn't stop him typing though does it?_

* * *

3/06/06 11.55am

To: Peter Pettigrew – littlerattyguy.deatheater.wiz

From: Severus Snape – s.snape.deatheater.wiz

Re: Hello

_Hello Wormtail. Throat hurting yet? Or have we learned to mime?_

* * *

3/06/06 11:57am

To: Severus Snape – s.snape.deatheater.wiz

From: Peter Pettigrew – littlerattyguy.deatheater.wiz

Re: ?

_I don't have the slightest idea what you're talking about._

* * *

3/06/06 11.59am

To: Peter Pettigrew – littlerattyguy.deatheater.wiz

From: Severus Snape – s.snape.deatheater.wiz

Re: Hello

_Save it rat boy, I was there. You know? The one in the corner dying laughing?_

* * *

3/06/06 12.02pm

To: Severus Snape – s.snape.deatheater.wiz

From: Peter Pettigrew – littlerattyguy.deatheater.wiz

Re: ?

_You were?_

_Crap._

_O.k. fine, so you were there, big deal. See if I care._

…

_You haven't told anyone else have you?_

…

_HAVE YOU?_

* * *

3/06/06 12:02pm

To: Algernon Rookwood – al.deatheater.wiz

From: Bellatrix Lestrange – bella.deatheater.wiz

Re: Silence

_Now _that's_ entertainment! I wish I'd been there. A critical moment in history. Peter Pettigrew stops talking. Told you he'd snap eventually._

* * *

3/06/06 12:04pm

To: Bellatrix Lestrange – bella.deatheater.wiz

From: Algernon Rookwood – al.deatheater.wiz

Re: Silence

_No. What you said was that people probably wanted to shut him up so badly that they'd end up doing something drastic. So sorry, no points for you._

* * *

3/06/06 12:07pm

To: Imshi Mulroney – irishgirl.deatheater.wiz

From: Narcissa Malfoy – cissy.deatheater.wiz

Re: New form of acne

_Did you hear the latest? Confurnicus. I am not even kidding. Got him right in the face. He won't come out of his room now._

* * *

3/06/06 12:09pm

To: Narcissa Malfoy – cissy.deatheater.wiz

From: Imshi Mulroney – irishgirl.deatheater.wiz

Re: Curses

_If I were him, I wouldn't leave my room anyway. Still, don't you think Confurnicus seems a little tame? It's just tentacles, I would have thought something a little more painful._

* * *

3/06/06 12:10pm

To: Imshi Mulroney – irishgirl.deatheater.wiz

From: Narcissa Malfoy – cissy.deatheater.wiz

Re: Curses

_I hadn't thought of that. I just assumed he was going for the humiliation angle. Still, you're right, I would have expected something really nasty._

_

* * *

_

3/06/06 12:13pm

To: Narcissa Malfoy – cissy.deatheater.wiz

From: Imshi Mulroney – irishgirl.deatheater.wiz

Re: Curses

_Tell you what. I'll do a poll._

* * *

3/06/06 12:22pm

To: Narcissa Malfoy – cissy.deatheater.wiz

From: Imshi Mulroney – irishgirl.deatheater.wiz

CC:

>>Bellatrix Lestrange - bella.deatheater.wiz

>>Rodolphus Lestrange – r.lestrange.deatheater.wiz

>>Algernon Rookwood – al.deatheater.wiz

>>Macnair – animalkiller.deatheater.wiz

>>& others.

Re: **NEW POLL**

**Question: What curse do you think Wormtail will get hit by next time?**

**Jelly-Legs Jinx: 2**

**Cruciatus Curse: 67**

**Permanent-Sticking Charm using sign labelled 'I am a moron' (back of head): 0.5**

**Permanent-Sticking Charm using sign labelled 'I am a moron' (forehead): 1.5**

**Constriction curse: 8**

**Other: 21**

* * *

3/06/06 11:54pm

To: Imshi Mulroney – irishgirl.deatheater.wiz

From: Narcissa Malfoy – cissy.deatheater.wiz

Re: Curses

_Cruciatus Curse? Are they crazy? Way too predictable. Hey, bet you five Galleons it's that Entrail-expelling one._

* * *

3/06/06 11:54pm

To: Imshi Mulroney – irishgirl.deatheater.wiz

From: Narcissa Malfoy – cissy.deatheater.wiz

Re: Curses

_Make it ten and you've got a deal._

* * *

3/06/06 11.55pm

To: Peter Pettigrew – littlerattyguy.deatheater.wiz

From: Severus Snape – s.snape.deatheater.wiz

Re: Hello

_No need to shout, I can read just fine in lower-case. Nah, don't flatter yourself. We have _way _better things to do than discuss your misfortunes…_

_

* * *

_


End file.
